Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
i think i just lost a toe
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
