I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
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I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
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It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm gonna fight the coyote
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