aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
