I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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