walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
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So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
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I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
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