I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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