I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
