K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
