i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
