well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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