...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I am naked and annoyed.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
