Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i love accidental penises.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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