I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
