nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
