i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
