Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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