I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize