What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
