dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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