i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
there's paper in my vomit.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
