Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
