I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
