I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
