this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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