my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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