the condom got lost in my hair
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
