apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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