My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Randomize
