I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm just crazy horny about you
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
