you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
