Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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