I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
