I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
