I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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