I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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