you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
