the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
