if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
