Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
