med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
