my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
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He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
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"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.