I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
how do you play pong handcuffed?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store