omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
