its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
