I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
