I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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