I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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