We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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