The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
