happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
