Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
