i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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