She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
