I faked an abortion last night.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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