Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
