I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
