so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
