I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I want to be your penis for a week.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
