I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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