Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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