He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
