I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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