What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
