just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
