just tell him i said nine months
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
