The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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