Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
